Root (in the) Canal
Try the old bait and tackle shops first, I tell all my patients and I\u2019m telling you. Find waterproof overalls then muck about the banks, hunting for glimmers of pearl. Alligator fangs make for perfect canines. Beaver teeth for incisors.
Extraction
Next batch of canned-peach hooch won\u2019t be ready for a week or more. You sure you want to do this now? Lean back over that boulder. It takes but a moment to sanitize pliers over the cookstove between appointments.
Orthodontia
Don\u2019t you wonder how the flash ruined brick, stone, and steel, but copper\u2019s not worse for wear? I\u2019m clean out of pens for your John Hancock, but I require payment in equipment, mainly the wires that\u2019ll hold your Frankenstein yapper in place. Across the river those heaps haven\u2019t been touched yet, I expect.
Veneer
Curl your lips away from the super glue and try to imagine swallowing your tongue. If not, you\u2019ll either sear those tastebuds off or talk forevermore like a horse with peanut butter gums, but super glue is all I\u2019ve got.
Whitening
Lean over a puddle. Grab some charcoal from your preferred former establishment \u2014 avoid those Pompeii-prone shapes \u2014 and scrub in a circular motion. Rinse with the cleanest liquid you can find. When you squint, a smile will look close enough to the original. Enjoy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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Lauren Kardos (she\/her) writes from Washington, DC, but she\u2019s still breaking up with her hometown in Western Pennsylvania. You can find her on Twitter @lkardos<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"