When the cloud cover breaks, I am going to jump in the creek. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
When it stops raining, I\u2019m jumping in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t want to already be wet before getting wet, is the thing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Once that cloud cover breaks, as soon as it stops raining and the sun comes out, I\u2019m running straight to that creek, and I\u2019m going to jump in. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m going to jump in and then when I resurface, I\u2019m going to flail around like I\u2019m swimming. Like I\u2019m celebrating. Like I want everyone to know how much fun I\u2019m having. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Everyone will look at me and go, look how much fun he\u2019s having. Look at his exuberance of joy, look at the way he captures such childhood excitement!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They will remember that excitement of having just learned how to swim, that discovery of how one\u2019s body can move through a previously inaccessible wonder of the world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They\u2019ll remember things forgotten. They\u2019ll think thoughts they\u2019ve never thought before. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
***<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But the cloud cover never breaks. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It never stops raining.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The sun never comes out. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The rain comes down harder. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Thunder shakes the ground below. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The rain starts coming sideways, starts coming from everywhere all at once, from all angles\u2014falling and shooting and swirling; back up from the ground even, this rain rising upward into the sky, back up toward the clouds, returning to where it came only to reset and do it all over again, which I know is impossible, or knew<\/em>, before this moment of impossibility.<\/p>\n\n\n\n ***<\/p>\n\n\n\n The creek starts flooding. Starts spilling over its banks, little by little and then all at once, water everywhere. The whole grounds, covered with water. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The rain keeps coming, harder and harder. The water comes up to our ankles, and then already our calves, our knees. The water level keeps rising but then also it all starts moving\u2014like the ground we\u2019re on is more of an incline than I\u2019d ever realized, or some kind of current or tide or some other unexplained force. The water is at my chest, my neck. I start swimming. <\/p>\n\n\n\n ***<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve only just started paddling\u2014giant arcs through the air, one arm and then the other\u2014when I look to my side and see myself on a shore I didn\u2019t know was there, looking up into the sky, looking like a man hoping for the cloud cover to break, for it to stop raining, for the sun to come out so I can go swimming. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I take a deep breath and put my head down and swim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n ***<\/p>\n\n\n\n When I come up for air again, I see another version of myself standing next to my wife. It looks like we\u2019re in the middle of a fight. We both look familiar, the fight looks familiar. I try to slow down and look closer but it\u2019s already too late. I\u2019m already past it. Past myself. I\u2019m already bearing witness to an even younger looking version of myself yelling at our daughter, already feeling guilty and awful and like a horrible dad and person all over again, just as much so as I remember having felt at the time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I lose track of where I am, forgetting to paddle or kick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I take a deep breath but my face is half underwater. I swallow a giant mouthful of water. <\/p>\n\n\n\n For a moment, I think I might drown. <\/p>\n\n\n\n For another moment, I come to terms with the idea of drowning. I don\u2019t want<\/em> to die, but if it\u2019s my time, it\u2019s my time. I\u2019m at peace.<\/p>\n\n\n\n ***<\/p>\n\n\n\n If your life flashes before your eyes right before you die, what happens if you die while swimming backwards through a time-traveling river of your life?<\/p>\n\n\n\n ***<\/p>\n\n\n\n Teaching our daughter how to swim, watching my daughter\u2019s first steps, my daughter\u2019s birth, multiple roadtrips and nights out with my wife before we had our daughter, our wedding, roadtrips with friends before I got married, the first time I got high, my mom\u2019s funeral, my college graduation, college move-in day\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n ***<\/p>\n\n\n\n What about some random nights of hanging out with buddies? Being a groomsman and partying at one of their weddings? One of those concerts I always talk about as having changed my life? A victorious celebratory sports moment or two? <\/p>\n\n\n\n ***<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m already all the way back to my childhood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Back in the lake where I first learned how to swim. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m treading water, finally staying still.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And then, next to me, is the youngest version of myself I remember. Doing the same. Both of us, flailing our arms around in joyous abandon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We look at each other and share a look of recognition.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He splashes me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I splash back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n ________<\/p>\n\n\n\n